Forgot to blog again

Nothing has really happened or I’ve been depressed. Either way I forgot to blog.  We got our cars back finally.  I never thought my car could be so quiet. I shakes a bit when idling but I hope that’s just because it’s been sitting with old gas in it for a while.  It would be fucked up if I still had to pay for more repairs after spending all that money.

The bird show is coming up this Saturday, here in our backyard.  I had to get one of those portable shades because the sun is brutal in the back. 

I don’t know what to feed these people. I mean I have the general idea; burgers, spring salad, grilled chicken and the usual barbeque fare. I just want to do something more, but there are so many different opinions of what is good not to mention who is allergic to what.  To be salt and pepper are not seasoning they are just a given and a little boring.

Speaking of bird people, we were up at Dave and Deb’s last week and it was like one of those guardian things again.  I was really torn up about what paths to take now that my job is over.  I was so focused on disability that I just wasn’t thinking.  Long story short, Dave suggested I start being artistic again. Then bluntly asked what I wanted to do.  Nursing.  I think it was always nursing, I just figured it was too late. Dave assured me I wasn’t and that he’s seen older.  He also said male nurses have an easy in because they are so rare. 

Ben is still being a bit distant. I told him I was going to bed and as usual he hardly looked up at me. I was in bed for about 10 minutes before he asked what was wrong. I was very sad and didn’t know what to say. I said something, against my better judgment. I told him that he was ignoring me.  He didn’t say anything. He just turned everything off and came to bed himself. WTF.

Maybe it’s time to start getting focused and fight the extra weight these pills have helped me gain. I was getting back in shape until I started these meds then bam! 20lbs. Being sad most of the time is going to harder.  I could just stop eating all together, but to quote Chef Anne: “Brown food good!”

I am trying to keep to my schedule but my brain is just to scattered these day. I need to “stop thinking thoughts!” (Warriors of Virtue) Now that Ben is on a regular schedule I can make it a bit more concrete.  Any way I know the gods are watching cause we finally caught a break this week and I haven’t thought about death for days. I just can’t seem to focus. Maybe they are keeping me from focusing on the wrong things.

Good luck!

My check came today and it is enough to repair my car and pay for insurance and the past due payment.

See we went to get wings from Beef ‘O’ Brady’s  and fries from Five Guys.  The Rav4 had been running rough for and that night it was having no more.

It broke down and we had to get Joe to come get us. What a douche!

When he shows up he makes some comment about having to be in bed in 15 minutes. We’d been sitting there for about an hour because he wife was to busy to get off the phone and he wouldn’t answer the other line. 

Anyway my brakes had locked up (like I told Ben a few days ago) and stripped the rotors and shorted the Alternator ($1095 est.)

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Ben’s car had been in the drive way for a while. Turns out he was right on that. He lost a break pad and ground the rotor ($300 est.) and needs the whole thing replaced. 

We might get a new TV as well since the on we are using is about 7 years old and we probably will only get $100 or so for it. It’s 40” but has rear projection. I still feel sad though, don’t know why I just do. 

Buffy is always good for a laugh though.

I’ve been cleaning up the house preparing for the bird show were hosting. Not my idea, but whatever, it makes Ben happy. I can just hide somewhere after i make lunch.

So far … eh

I love this song, it is so me and Ben –

And Just in case you don’t think Mary is the shit …

Mary’s Ellen impression …

What a week it was

My disability lawyer took my case but saw it could take 6-18 months to be done.  He did say I could probably have no problems and avoid a hearing.

Perry Mason

I still haven’t heard from Prudential, I keep getting my reps voicemail. 

Willy

Ben’s dog Willy had to be put down. If this wasn’t bad enough, his mom sent me an email of the happening asking me to tell him. “Nice”.

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I know she may have not known how to handle it, since Ben is probe to get angry when he is upset. Still, not the right way to go about it.

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Ben is finally not sick, but I am. We haven’t been intimate for a while now.  I can’t help but think something else is wrong.  Am I too fat?  Is there someone else? Has he had enough of Bipolar Disorder? Is me going on disability change the way he sees me?

Plumb … damaged
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Then I think, I’m not the only one who gained weight. No one else could take Ben as a whole for as long as I have without me finding out. So that leaves BD or me not working changing things.

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Where is the fire. The fire in me, life and love. I don’t think I lost it, I just don’t know how to use it and make it bright. Is it the drugs? Maybe. The Lamictal keeps me calm, takes away the rage. Maybe that’s where the fire is hiding.  If I get disability I may stop taking it all together and just rely on counseling. Ah, the fucked up hand we are dealt.

And don’t tell me to pray, I’ve been praying for sanity and a day without woe from the day I knew what it was to believe. 

My little brother lost his soul, my Gran lost her children and her mind and my parents lost their lives.  On the off chance that the Bible is accurate to the letter, then I am doomed anyway along with the one I love and those I have loved for just being.

In all this I still believe, the All cannot make mistakes and the written words of men have no holding to what Jehovah has written on our souls and Jesus reiterated.  We are all children of the divine and the divine is in everything; even things we hate.

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One day that Lotto ticket will be mine and all the material issues will vanish so I can focus on my soul. For now I will just live in torment and enjoy what I can.  I am thankful not to be in Haiti, Canada, Chile or anywhere else that has had a disaster lately. As lonely as BD makes me feel I know I am not. I have my love and families, as spread out as they are.

 

It’s been a while…

OK it’s been like a week, and no I didn’t forget I had a blog I have been rapid cycling and either did not want to or have been to depressed to write anything.

Every day has been highs and lows even today I was up at 2:35 AM and could not got back to sleep. After an hour of trying to go back to sleep, here I am blogging.

I have to say sorry to my Auntie cause I know she reads this. I just did not feel like talking to anyone this week.  

I have to wait like 10 days before Prudential will make a decision on my disability case and I am going to a lawyer on Tuesday to find out if I have a valid appeal case.  If they say now I will definitely ask FIS to find me something or let me go so I can collect unemployment.  I would quit but I may not get unemployment benefits and lose any insurance they are currently granting me.  Of course I would make every effort to find another job. Staying at home is boring! I mean really how much is there to do if you don’t have kind and only 1000 square feet to clean. 

I admit a couple of times this week I thought about suicide but then I either took my frustrations out on Assassin’s Creed II or attempted to make gourmet food. This is even harder when your in hyper mode or really depressed. On the one hand you have to be careful not to over season or cut yourself and on the other hand you cannot cry in the food and you have to force yourself to care how it tastes as well as how it looks.

To top it off I had to cancel my appointment with Aaron this week. We just didn’t have the money.  Ben is still sick, I am worried something else may be wrong.  Just have to wait and see.  I have not hit rock bottom yet so there is still room for disaster.  I wish mom or dad where still here.  There perspective would be good right now. Whether I agreed or not it’d be something to think about.

I am losing faith in everything.  Like that little spark I had that everyone seemed to like about me is gone. I know my guardian is still watching out for us because we keep scraping by.  Major disasters are just  missing us. But for how long.  When will I get a real break, when will life be life again. Right now life sucks ass; and not in a good way.

Well at least I/we got a plan.

Party

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Yesterday was Megan’s birthday party.  We arrived early as the plan was for Ben and I to take Jackson to see Avatar. Well Ben was too sick; yes he is still sick, so it was just me and Jackson.

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He really got into it, he even cried a little when the Marines attacks the Na’vi.  Then jumped in his seat when the animals fought back.  It was an experience that made me wish I could have kids.  He was really well behaved for a chance.  I don’t understand why kids don’t set me off when animals, grown people and the elderly drive me fucking nuts.

When Bonnie found out Ben had a fever, she gave us money to take him to the clinic inside Walgreens.  The doctor or nurse practitioner (didn’t ask) was very nice and funny.She humorously chided Ben over his smoking. I didn’t find her threatening at all.  It didn’t take long to diagnose a sinus infection and he got a script for antibiotics.

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It was off to Publix where they script could be filled for free. We had to hang out for about 30 minutes.  There was nothing to do but wander.  i could not help but notice how crowded it was.  I was a bit manic but it was working to my advantage. I had to stay upbeat since Ben was feeling like crap. I didn’t need my issues overshadowing his like they usually do.

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After a bit we were off to Megan’s party.  The house Ben’s sister was renting was kind of neat and deceptive.  It looked really big from the outside but was rather long and narrow inside.  The bedrooms, bathrooms and living room were average sizes but the kitchen and dinning area was very narrow. Maybe six feet across but it ran half the length of the house and had a door to the back yard. For Beth it would be great. The kids have their own yard to play in.

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There were more grown up than kids. Ben and I stayed in Jackson’s. Ben needed a place to lay down and I wanted to get away from the grownups.  I play Super Smash Brothers Brawl with Jackson for a bit. All in all it wasn’t a bad day.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl – Samus VS Mario
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Oh yeah, I forgot about the Tsunami that wasn’t in Hilo Hawaii.  I’m glad nothing happened but I would have like to have seem a real tidal wave. 

Guardians

OK, this all started at therapy last Saturday. Aaron was trying to get me to understand why bad things happen to good people. An old argument at best, however an interesting one. Any way I told him my theory of God is too busy to worry about whether I pay my bills or lost my keys or why, why, why. 

God. by ~Empty-Can

Bad things that happen are meant to happen to teach us something.  The girl that gets attacked in the alley, may be dead or in horrible pain. This victim is the reason the next girl is more careful, the reason mother’s give there daughters that hug for no reason and the reason that the person who may have done such a thing, thinks twice maybe even changes their minds.  I know, that sounds cold and unfair, but life and God never seems fair do they.  What about miracles you say. Why did that kid get shot in the head and not die.  Why did that bus just miss that old lady or why did the jumper change their minds about a 20 story leap. Guardians, not angels or devils, that is too absolute. 

Michael and the Devil by *el-grimlock

Every having a bad day and a complete stranger says something that makes you feel better or answers a question.  Hear a voice or have a feeling that relates to your current situation.  These are what I call guardians beings that look over mankind.  I would go as far to call them angels as I don’t believe in pure good, evil or blind obedience. I think God’s existence is more than the acceptable morality of mankind. I feel the divine influence cannot be pigeon holed into good and bad.  Good and bad is a human concept.  Tigers that kill are not evil, they are tigers.  we don’t like it but that’s the way god made them.  People also do these thing but we have the divine gift of knowing and feeling.  We all capable of doing “good or evil” and with all the influences around us, mundane or divine I have to wonder how much of a choice we have. 

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Today the mundane influence have me not wanting to exist again.  I hate what is happening to me and the people I love. I was going to cry again but Ben’s mom sent me a text asking to take her grandson to a movie i really want to see.  She had no way of knowing how upset I was (am). In fact ask I spoke to her , she was and is completely oblivious of my state of mind. I think it frightens her to here about it.  Anyway, at that moment (a brief one) she was a Guardian.  Her text was just enough to lift my spirits away from complete self loathing.  Now none of my problems are solved but I have something to look forward to. 

a rock and a hard place by ~cookiemonstah

I mean Ben has been sick for 2 weeks, my short-term disability is being delayed by my doctor.  My car note is late, I have no income, I can’t quit to get unemployment and they didn’t think I was returning so the closed my position and I am going through a foreclosure.   Lastly, I am bored to death, but at the same time have so much to do. Yet, I don’t want to start any new project until the previous situations are worked out or we move to a new place.

Forgot i had a blog again LOL – On my shit list

HSBC – is on my list for foreclosing and still having their automated system calling me constantly.

CitiAuto – is on my shit list for their automated system calling me every 2 hours, emailing and texting me twice a day, and hanging up when I answer. They even called me while I was talking to one of their agents. Then telling me they can lower my rate for a few months once I am current.  If I didn’t have problems getting caught up I would be talking to you dummy.

Best Buy is on my shit list. We spoke to the Car Audio Clerk and explained what kind of stereo we wanted installed and the vehicle type.  They said they could do it in a couple of hours and may need to include a kit. So I get there a little early and walk around the store for about 30 minutes. No a single person in the store spoke to me. In fact they seemed to be going out of their way to look me in the eye and walk away. When I worked for Best Buy it was “Every customer every time”. I had to walk out of the store several times as I was getting irate. I waited by the bay for 15 minute to watch the Audio clerk walk right by me and not say a word.  how the hell are you going to be 15 minutes late and not say a word. Then when you realize I was waiting for you, not apologize.  Next he tells me the stereo he said he could make work would not fit the Infinity system.  Now granted he explained the reasons it would not work in depth, why didn’t he tell me this on the phone when I asked the same questions.

Dr Kumar’s office is now on my shit list.  They still have the medical records for Prudential sitting in pending, signed off by the doctor but still sitting there. It was all I could do not to cuss the lady out. My face was burning. She put me on hold to get a supervisor when I told her it was fucking unacceptable for it to still be there for no other reason than “they have 30 days to send it” Considering it has been more than 30 days I knew I was right and immediately filled with extreme hatred. It was about 20 minutes and a call from Ben before I could call the case worker at Prudential. She was confused and a little annoyed that they were making demands of their requests and holding information. HEPA my ass, sounds more like lazy to me.  This is why I don’t like foreign doctors, the have no understanding of how Americans like to be treated and that the rule book can be changed for the better. nothing in the US is written in stone unless your in court. 

Down in the dumps

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Yesterday sucked I was so down. It felt like a great big hole has been shot through my chest.

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I managed to run my errands but had to force myself to clean up house and I was in bed before Ben got home.

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I exchanged words with my sister via email.  She is doing better after her her C-Section and named her son my new nephew “Justin Alexander Thompson”. We will see each other again I am sure.

Rapid Cycling

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OK, yesterday I was all over the place.  I started out calm, then when I went to the Salvation Army to look for blankets for out dogs. HSBC called not even 1 minute after I walked in.  I went off on the poor lady.  I don’t remember everything I said but I do remember telling her they were already foreclosing and I am contacting an attorney and not to talk to me anymore.

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If they needed to contact me to do it by mail.

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As I looked around people were staring.  The “Fuck you” Look took care of that.  I just began browsing. I didn’t realize the costs until the casher said $40.00.  Oh man! I only bought a few things.

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I think she may have overcharged me but I was to flustered to check.  It goes to charity any way. 

I went to the gas station and enjoyed the icy breeze.  I love the wind it reminds me of New York. i felt empowered at that moment.

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I became one with the breeze and it blew harder.  I miss Wicca.

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Anyway I went to Subway and the girl there was flirty. I mad sure my banded hand was showing and her interest changed.

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She switched out with the other lady there even though there were no other customers. Obvious!  She was pretty for a girl. If I was a straight guy I would have went for it.  I know gross right. Any way I get home frazzled, just after being calm. 

Then Kenya threw up all over the couch.  Good thing is it was covered, bad news is it was just covered.  I just washed the damn thing.  Then the free lawyer called (Mike), he basically told me screw the mortgage company. Walked me through the response and to call back if when he got the next correspondence. I was not to speak with HSBC anymore except in writing. 

He also told me if FIS could not get me back working at a comparable salary to resign and collect unemployment. He also told me to respond to the SSI denial and wait. If they denied again, call an attorney, who should not charge me because they will include their fees in the settlement. Well great news for a formerly successful person who lost his mind working for the man.

The rest if the day was spent cleaning up and playing Assassin’s Creed 2. I really like it. Killing people has never been better. LOL.

I made the “Paula Deen Dirty Rice” Ben wanted for work.  Let me just say I will never cut up chicken livers by hand again.  I almost threw up until I thought about what would Michael Myers (for Halloween not Shrek) do.  He’d ignore the guts and enjoy the cut.  I took pictures:

 

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