What a week it was

My disability lawyer took my case but saw it could take 6-18 months to be done.  He did say I could probably have no problems and avoid a hearing.

Perry Mason

I still haven’t heard from Prudential, I keep getting my reps voicemail. 

Willy

Ben’s dog Willy had to be put down. If this wasn’t bad enough, his mom sent me an email of the happening asking me to tell him. “Nice”.

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I know she may have not known how to handle it, since Ben is probe to get angry when he is upset. Still, not the right way to go about it.

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Ben is finally not sick, but I am. We haven’t been intimate for a while now.  I can’t help but think something else is wrong.  Am I too fat?  Is there someone else? Has he had enough of Bipolar Disorder? Is me going on disability change the way he sees me?

Plumb … damaged
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Then I think, I’m not the only one who gained weight. No one else could take Ben as a whole for as long as I have without me finding out. So that leaves BD or me not working changing things.

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Where is the fire. The fire in me, life and love. I don’t think I lost it, I just don’t know how to use it and make it bright. Is it the drugs? Maybe. The Lamictal keeps me calm, takes away the rage. Maybe that’s where the fire is hiding.  If I get disability I may stop taking it all together and just rely on counseling. Ah, the fucked up hand we are dealt.

And don’t tell me to pray, I’ve been praying for sanity and a day without woe from the day I knew what it was to believe. 

My little brother lost his soul, my Gran lost her children and her mind and my parents lost their lives.  On the off chance that the Bible is accurate to the letter, then I am doomed anyway along with the one I love and those I have loved for just being.

In all this I still believe, the All cannot make mistakes and the written words of men have no holding to what Jehovah has written on our souls and Jesus reiterated.  We are all children of the divine and the divine is in everything; even things we hate.

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One day that Lotto ticket will be mine and all the material issues will vanish so I can focus on my soul. For now I will just live in torment and enjoy what I can.  I am thankful not to be in Haiti, Canada, Chile or anywhere else that has had a disaster lately. As lonely as BD makes me feel I know I am not. I have my love and families, as spread out as they are.

 

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