It’s been a while…

OK it’s been like a week, and no I didn’t forget I had a blog I have been rapid cycling and either did not want to or have been to depressed to write anything.

Every day has been highs and lows even today I was up at 2:35 AM and could not got back to sleep. After an hour of trying to go back to sleep, here I am blogging.

I have to say sorry to my Auntie cause I know she reads this. I just did not feel like talking to anyone this week.  

I have to wait like 10 days before Prudential will make a decision on my disability case and I am going to a lawyer on Tuesday to find out if I have a valid appeal case.  If they say now I will definitely ask FIS to find me something or let me go so I can collect unemployment.  I would quit but I may not get unemployment benefits and lose any insurance they are currently granting me.  Of course I would make every effort to find another job. Staying at home is boring! I mean really how much is there to do if you don’t have kind and only 1000 square feet to clean. 

I admit a couple of times this week I thought about suicide but then I either took my frustrations out on Assassin’s Creed II or attempted to make gourmet food. This is even harder when your in hyper mode or really depressed. On the one hand you have to be careful not to over season or cut yourself and on the other hand you cannot cry in the food and you have to force yourself to care how it tastes as well as how it looks.

To top it off I had to cancel my appointment with Aaron this week. We just didn’t have the money.  Ben is still sick, I am worried something else may be wrong.  Just have to wait and see.  I have not hit rock bottom yet so there is still room for disaster.  I wish mom or dad where still here.  There perspective would be good right now. Whether I agreed or not it’d be something to think about.

I am losing faith in everything.  Like that little spark I had that everyone seemed to like about me is gone. I know my guardian is still watching out for us because we keep scraping by.  Major disasters are just  missing us. But for how long.  When will I get a real break, when will life be life again. Right now life sucks ass; and not in a good way.

Well at least I/we got a plan.


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