Good luck!

My check came today and it is enough to repair my car and pay for insurance and the past due payment.

See we went to get wings from Beef ‘O’ Brady’s  and fries from Five Guys.  The Rav4 had been running rough for and that night it was having no more.

It broke down and we had to get Joe to come get us. What a douche!

When he shows up he makes some comment about having to be in bed in 15 minutes. We’d been sitting there for about an hour because he wife was to busy to get off the phone and he wouldn’t answer the other line. 

Anyway my brakes had locked up (like I told Ben a few days ago) and stripped the rotors and shorted the Alternator ($1095 est.)


Ben’s car had been in the drive way for a while. Turns out he was right on that. He lost a break pad and ground the rotor ($300 est.) and needs the whole thing replaced. 

We might get a new TV as well since the on we are using is about 7 years old and we probably will only get $100 or so for it. It’s 40” but has rear projection. I still feel sad though, don’t know why I just do. 

Buffy is always good for a laugh though.

I’ve been cleaning up the house preparing for the bird show were hosting. Not my idea, but whatever, it makes Ben happy. I can just hide somewhere after i make lunch.


So far … eh

I love this song, it is so me and Ben –

And Just in case you don’t think Mary is the shit …

Mary’s Ellen impression …

What a week it was

My disability lawyer took my case but saw it could take 6-18 months to be done.  He did say I could probably have no problems and avoid a hearing.

Perry Mason

I still haven’t heard from Prudential, I keep getting my reps voicemail. 


Ben’s dog Willy had to be put down. If this wasn’t bad enough, his mom sent me an email of the happening asking me to tell him. “Nice”.


I know she may have not known how to handle it, since Ben is probe to get angry when he is upset. Still, not the right way to go about it.


Ben is finally not sick, but I am. We haven’t been intimate for a while now.  I can’t help but think something else is wrong.  Am I too fat?  Is there someone else? Has he had enough of Bipolar Disorder? Is me going on disability change the way he sees me?

Plumb … damaged
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Then I think, I’m not the only one who gained weight. No one else could take Ben as a whole for as long as I have without me finding out. So that leaves BD or me not working changing things.


Where is the fire. The fire in me, life and love. I don’t think I lost it, I just don’t know how to use it and make it bright. Is it the drugs? Maybe. The Lamictal keeps me calm, takes away the rage. Maybe that’s where the fire is hiding.  If I get disability I may stop taking it all together and just rely on counseling. Ah, the fucked up hand we are dealt.

And don’t tell me to pray, I’ve been praying for sanity and a day without woe from the day I knew what it was to believe. 

My little brother lost his soul, my Gran lost her children and her mind and my parents lost their lives.  On the off chance that the Bible is accurate to the letter, then I am doomed anyway along with the one I love and those I have loved for just being.

In all this I still believe, the All cannot make mistakes and the written words of men have no holding to what Jehovah has written on our souls and Jesus reiterated.  We are all children of the divine and the divine is in everything; even things we hate.


One day that Lotto ticket will be mine and all the material issues will vanish so I can focus on my soul. For now I will just live in torment and enjoy what I can.  I am thankful not to be in Haiti, Canada, Chile or anywhere else that has had a disaster lately. As lonely as BD makes me feel I know I am not. I have my love and families, as spread out as they are.


It’s been a while…

OK it’s been like a week, and no I didn’t forget I had a blog I have been rapid cycling and either did not want to or have been to depressed to write anything.

Every day has been highs and lows even today I was up at 2:35 AM and could not got back to sleep. After an hour of trying to go back to sleep, here I am blogging.

I have to say sorry to my Auntie cause I know she reads this. I just did not feel like talking to anyone this week.  

I have to wait like 10 days before Prudential will make a decision on my disability case and I am going to a lawyer on Tuesday to find out if I have a valid appeal case.  If they say now I will definitely ask FIS to find me something or let me go so I can collect unemployment.  I would quit but I may not get unemployment benefits and lose any insurance they are currently granting me.  Of course I would make every effort to find another job. Staying at home is boring! I mean really how much is there to do if you don’t have kind and only 1000 square feet to clean. 

I admit a couple of times this week I thought about suicide but then I either took my frustrations out on Assassin’s Creed II or attempted to make gourmet food. This is even harder when your in hyper mode or really depressed. On the one hand you have to be careful not to over season or cut yourself and on the other hand you cannot cry in the food and you have to force yourself to care how it tastes as well as how it looks.

To top it off I had to cancel my appointment with Aaron this week. We just didn’t have the money.  Ben is still sick, I am worried something else may be wrong.  Just have to wait and see.  I have not hit rock bottom yet so there is still room for disaster.  I wish mom or dad where still here.  There perspective would be good right now. Whether I agreed or not it’d be something to think about.

I am losing faith in everything.  Like that little spark I had that everyone seemed to like about me is gone. I know my guardian is still watching out for us because we keep scraping by.  Major disasters are just  missing us. But for how long.  When will I get a real break, when will life be life again. Right now life sucks ass; and not in a good way.

Well at least I/we got a plan.