Bushnell BFE awh WTF

We are headed to an animal auction, woo hoo! (enter sarcastic smirk). Ben says I have to be social and get out of the house per my therapist. Gee thanks Aaron. Anyway, Dave and Deb will be there so there will be lots of talking to listen to.

We’ll see how it goes. Maybe this lead hat feeling will go away today.


We get to Deb and Dave’s and it is all muddy and wet.  Sophie shows up and we all pile in her truck and drive for about and hour. When we arrive I am already on edge,  I figured I was going to stand out for sure.

Lots of animals and plant, it smells horrible. I got all panicky for nothing, no one seemed to notice me at all.  I read a few Grim Fairy Tales as the auctioneer droned on and complained every few minutes about not listening to the sale rules.

There was a cute red neck red head there he had a confederate flag hat on though. I was so bored, but I just myself busy reading.  In a bit Ben took me outside to get some fries.  They were OK, Ben said they were better last time.  He grabbed an insane amount of ketchup and he  just kept filling in the spot when it got low. It was kind of funny and cute at the same time.

After I bit I got too tired to focus and took a nap in the truck.  I barely remember the ride home. All in all it wasn’t too bad. I got to observe a new social group of people. I crashed as soon as we got home.


He’s fine.

OK after a brief workout and aerobics, Tahoe-Taco, the kitty from hell is back to pissing me off. 

It seems he was resting up for another game of:


“Let’s see how long I can scratch the furniture before I’m fucking caught and run off behind the sofa where no one can get me.”


Fuck you cat!


Wii Bowling Victory Dance Wipeout – Watch more Epic Fails

Got up this morning about 10 minutes to five. Which is good for me, started my daily stuff I even washed the pet bird dishes.  The kitten keeps doing shit to piss me off.  He is scratching up important papers. Every time I try to catch him he takes off.  The dogs keep licking and licking.  I spray the big one on his itchy spots with bitter apple. It lingers in the air and now I have bitter apple in my mouth; oops.  Let me tell you, that shit does not come off easy.


The kitten insists on scratch up the papers so I move them and keep doing what I’m doing.  I see him out of the corner of my eye trying to get at the gecko.  I walk over to scare him away and he jumps down but just stares at me and starts licking his ass. Grrr. I picked him up and toss him away. 1, I was really pissed and 2, he likes to scratch and draw blood.  Anyway I toss him a bit harder than expected and he hits the bookshelf; oops.  He scurries away and hides.


I few minutes go by and I don’t see him.  He is hiding now.  I wonder if he’s injured. I’ll have Ben check him when he wakes up as the kitten is sure to run from me now or try and rip the flesh from my bones.  No I don’t feel bad for kitty as he is a pain in the ass. Worst cat ever!


Jan 29th – Something to think about

Focus on the moment you’re in now.


Jan 29th – A night out

Went to Georgie’s Alibi last night with Ben and his friends from work.  I showed up on time and ended up waiting 20 minutes for everyone else.  I spent most of this time in a panic, trying to convince myself I could stand in the crowd without someone pointing me out or making fun.


So after sitting in the car and sending "when are you going to get here?" text messages I was able to get out and stand in a remote corner away from everyone and waited (still in panic mode) until they arrived.  The girl he brought was from Jamaica and seemed nice enough. She was very pretty for a girl; LOL.

Anyway, it was one Long Island before I started to sway to the music.  Then just after I started feeling dizzy so I focused on the people around me.  The thin guy dancing his heart out like a teenage who I knew was only a few years away from me.  He had some good moves but I thought it was a bit funny. I think he took our smiles the wrong way as Ben and I seemed to be on the same page.  He was observing too, he seemed to be ignoring me and his friend at first but I noticed he was watching the monitors.


Then 2 more of his coworkers came and they all seemed to click tighter and I felt odd.  No ignored, just not belonging, not there.  I didn’t know what to say so I just smiled a lot. I kept my attention on the crowd as not to get caught in an awkward conversation with me having nothing to say.

I was there for Ben not them.  Anyways eventually we danced a bit before I became bored and just self conscious of my age and body.  I was also still dizzy.  I said goodbye to Ben and left before the others came back from their 4th group trip to the bathroom.

I got home, thank god, and had to discipline one of our dogs for eating a magazine.  I took a picture and sent it to Ben as proof I was not "Making Bad Decisions" then crawled in bed with my CPAP mask and my vicious Boston to protect me.


I woke up to Ben throwing up (a lot). I didn’t get up though, he always seems to act awkwardly when I bring up vomit.


Jan 28th Ho-hum

Gave cats treats, drank yesterday’s coffee and  fed birds. When it came time to feed dogs no big deal, except for my Boston Terrier, Kenya.


She ran into bed when she knew it was time to eat.  I got so mad I snatched her up and told her “I don’t have time for this bullshit” and put her in her cage with the food I just heated up for her.

Checked to see if any jobs were available at FIS, nothing I can do. Starting to wonder if I’ll even be able to do any job with my mind in such a state of confusion. I feel like I have a lead hat on this morning.  I was happy when I woke up but now I feel numb.  I wanted to do so much this morning but now….

My Boston ate all her food and I praised her.  Now she is asleep on Ben’s chair and the cockatoo is about to work my nerve, clanging all about.  I wish these animals knew how much noise they were making all the time.  It’s fucking annoying.

Maybe I’ll play The Force Unleashed for a bit.


Here it is!

This is for Ben and my therapist Aaron – of course people who actually care about me and not just say they do. Here I will keep a diary, tracking of the triggers of my bipolar disorder and just general crap.  I am not going to do anything here but be myself. What I post may make people mad at me but I don’t care.  If you are not a true friend or family member I really don’t care about you or what you think anyway. I will try not to use real names or locations for people I don’t want to get into trouble.